Public speaking anxiety is a real problem.  This is a guest post written by Ryan Rivera, I strongly recommend you check out his website at www.calmclinic.com.  Ryan Rivera suffered from severe anxiety, and public speaking only made it worse. He shares tips on reducing all anxiety on his site.

Back in my youth, it wasn’t just public speaking that caused me anxiety. I had anxiety sitting in a chair doing nothing, occupied by nothing by my own thoughts. So when it came to public speaking, it was more than just anxiety. It was terror. Public speaking was like standing in front of a firing squad, except I wanted them to fire so the entire experience would be over.

So it’s no wonder that when I started to combat my anxiety, one of the hardest fears to overcome was public speaking. It’s everyone’s fear, and it’s arguably one of the most problematic social phobias that exist in the world today.

What to Do to Reduce Your Public Speaking Anxiety

There’s some good news, and some bad news. The good news is that the best methods to reduce anxiety are relatively easy to understand. The bad news is that they are harder for people to implement, and often take time and dedication in order to reduce them completely.

Before the Big Day

• Practice

I’m almost embarrassed to list this one, but let’s be honest, how much do you REALLY practice? Do you read your notecards one or two times? Do you practice one or two times all the way through the speech? I, myself, would read through the entire speech with an audience of someone I trust three times, and consider that a victory. But why three? That number is completely arbitrary. You can always practice more, and if you’re concerned about being nervous, you should. The more you practice, the more comfortable you’ll be with the entire speech, and the easier it will be for you to find your place if you get nervous/lost.

• Relaxation Strategies

My personal favorite thing to do before a speech is to integrate relaxation strategies. I remember I had to give this large speech in front of an audience of potential clients for a project I was working on, and a few days before the speech began I started to feel unspeakably nervous. So I decided to integrate my relaxation techniques. My own personal techniques were to use autogenic training and deep breathing (two well-known relaxation strategies). Both take only a few minutes. I also found skipping stones to be soothing, so I head to a nearby park to skip stones. There are plenty of pre-made relaxation strategies, but if you find something that relaxes you (that is healthy for your mind and body), you should use it.

• Sleep Well

Physical anxiety can actually lead to real anxiety. I’ve done a good job controlling my anxiety over the course of my life, but if I don’t get a full night’s sleep, it still comes back once in a while. Always make sure you’re sleeping well before a big speech or presentation.

The Day of the Speech

One of the things I’ve found most interesting is that on the day of any presentation I almost always woke up feeling completely alert. It was like my body wanted me to be ready for the big day. But then, as usual, the fear started to creep in.

On the day of the speech, the best thing you can do is prepare everything you need. Make sure you’ve set up your physical space, and that all of the papers you need are in place. You should also eat a healthy meal, make sure you’ve had enough water, and continue any relaxation exercises you can complete as you prepare for the speech. The big day is already there, so the key is trying to avoid allowing the anxiety to increase its intensity too strongly.

During the Speech

Here’s a handy little tip I learned from two different public speaking appearances – always start strong. Public speaking involves a lot of rhythm, so you need to make sure you start your speech loud and clear. My tendency when I was suffering from more anxiety was to start quietly and hope I felt more comfortable over time. That never works. Start loud, like you’re ready to deliver the speech and you’re more likely to get into the rhythm.

After the Speech

For those with fear of public speaking, the biggest problem isn’t always before the speech – it’s after. You spend the next hour going over every “um” and trying to re-imagine the faces in the audience to see how bored or annoyed they were. But these types of negative thoughts only contribute to public speaking anxiety, and not only are they not helpful – they’re often not true, and had no effect on your speech.

So rather than focus on anything negative about your speech, take out a piece of paper and write about all of the things you went well. It doesn’t matter if you cried on stage from the fright – chances are there are aspects of the presentation you did very well, and you should focus on those, since in the long term those are the only aspects of public speaking that are important.

Also, continue to address any additional anxiety you have, especially if you have an anxiety disorder. I know that my anxiety outside of public speaking drastically influenced my public speaking anxiety, so in a way, combatting my everyday anxiety was contributing to my ability to speak.

Becoming a Great Public Speaker with low public speaking anxiety

You can’t expect to be a great public speaker overnight. But you can use the above tools to make public speaking easier and, over time, you’ll find that you no longer experience much public speaking anxiety at all.

I’ve been offering therapy in Manchester now for some time and I’ve always thought we in the UK have had a bad attitude to mental health issues. The general “stiff upper lip” approach has been accepted as the norm in most areas of British Society. Unfortunately, this has led to people finding it difficult to get over the stigma of seeking help for mental health issues and suffering in silence, in some cases, for decades.

Our poor attitude to mental health.

If you fell over and broke your leg then you would take yourself to the hospital and receive medical attention, probably have a cast on for a while and then be right as rain. Can you imagine if you applied the same attitude that is shown to mental health issues like depression or stress to this physical condition?

“You don’t need to go to the hospital with that broken leg, pull yourself together – you’ll be alright in a few days!” or
“I can’t believe he has taken time off work just because his foot is facing the wrong direction. We’ve all had leg problems and most of us just get on with it.”

It sounds ridiculous when you apply it to such a physical ailment and it would be unbelievable for anyone to comment in such a way, so why do we do that with mental health issues?

Time To Change

I guess this is exactly what the “Time To Change” campaign is asking and I think, slowly, attitudes to mental health issues are changing for the better. I find it fascinating that when people discover that I’m a therapist, many of them “come out” as having had therapy themselves. Most of them tell me what a life saver it was for them and feel that it was an important part of their lives.

I find it interesting that the same people are a great deal more reluctant to discuss this with family or friends, and mentioning it to their work colleagues is an out and out no no.

Do Men Suffer Most?

Out of the two sexes I think men suffer from this problem the most. Us men have this idea that we need to “be strong”, especially around other men. Being seen to need help and support with mental health issues is tantamount to cashing in your masculinity for a frilly skirt and high heels. How badly we get things wrong at times!

I love Claude Steiner’s idea in “The Other Side of Power” that to be in touch with your feelings and to be able to express them appropriately is what makes us all truly powerful. To be able to seek help when we need it whether it’s for a broken leg, depression or stress is one important way we can look after ourselves. And it’s only by looking after ourselves that we can look after others. A fully functioning healthy adult is much more capable at serving loved one’s needs than someone with their own internal battles going on.

Time to Change Our Attitude To Mental Health

I fully support the governments “Time To Change” campaign. I would encourage all those (like me) who have had help with mental health issues to “come out” and talk about it openly. It’s time to change. Let’s start to break down this limiting belief that needing support for our mental health issues is some sign of weakness, because in my opinion, it’s the opposite. Those that have the presence of mind and the self-belief to do this are the strong ones. It’s time to change.

Most individual clients make an enquiry when a situation has built up over some time and they no longer want to deal with the pain this causes. They want to change their life for the better and so they seek a counsellor or therapist to support them with the change they want to make. The feel of these enquiries is often considered and as if the individual is preparing to go on a journey of discovery.

Couples Counselling Call

Contrast this with the typical couples enquiry. Often one member of the couple contacts me and there is a real feeling of urgency. They often want to see me right now, no waiting around, as it is an emergency. They need fixing and it has to happen yesterday! It’s not uncommon for them to phone me without agreement from their partner and the appointment is later cancelled or not attended because the other partner refuses to come.

It makes sense to me that this is how couples counselling enquiries often are. It is easy to pretend that things will work out with your partner if you just keep trying and trying and many people are good at pretending that eventually things will turn out OK if you both just try one more time.

Unfortunately, if partners are not communicating effectively with each other then it’s easy for one partner to be putting a huge amount of effort in and the other partner quietly constructing an escape plan to exit the relationship. When that escape plan is put into action the call goes into the therapist and therapy is demanded RIGHT NOW!

Don’t Panic!

I’m not saying that therapy is a waste of time at this stage of the relationship breakdown. There may be hope, and if both partners are willing to do things differently couples counselling may work and the relationship can be saved. If one partner has decided to exit the relationship though there is often little that a therapist can do.

I tell you this not to depress you but to explain that the best time to go to couples counselling is before the relationship gets into dire straits. This way, neither partner has made decisions about exiting the relationship, both partners are more able to hear the other empathetically and real work can be done to improve the relationship, often to a deeper level than ever before.

What if you are in the “emergency” zone?

If you fall into the “emergency” category I would still encourage you to contact a good therapist with training and experience of working with couples. The therapist will be able to facilitate a proper, honest discussion between you and your partner.

When I work with clients who are in this position (and I have worked with a many, many of them) I teach the Imago Dialogue process first, which means that both partners get a chance to talk to the other honestly and the other is able to listen fully and truly hear what their partner has to say. This in itself can make a huge amount of difference. There is usually one partner who does the talking and often dominates the conversation whilst the other listens, withdraws and figures things out by themselves as they feel that they will be bulldozed if they speak. This is not allowed in my consulting room. Both partners will speak and both partners will listen, it’s just how the Imago Dialogue process works. My job is to keep both partners safe.

As Imago Relationship Therapy is about emphasizing the positives as well as addressing the negatives in the relationship I will encourage the couple to talk about the great things in their relationship and things they will really miss if they do decide to break up. This often has the effect of reminding both partners what they love about each other and increases the chance they will stay together. The events of the past can be put into context and long-term thinking can begin.

Call me for couples counselling

If you need help in your relationship and you want to work with a therapist who has had specific training to work with couples (which, I have to say is rare) then you can contact me on 07966 390857 or use my contact form on this website to see if there are any couples counselling spaces available.

What is the Drama Triangle?

The Drama Triangle was created by Steven Karpman as a different way of looking at Berne’s Game theory. Karpman suggested that there are three roles that people can take when they play games:

Persecutor – Persecutors take the “I’m OK, you’re not OK” position. They bully, snipe, bitch and intimidate others.

Rescuer – The Rescuer also takes the “I’m OK, you’re not OK” position but the feel is very different. Rescuers “take care” of others whether the other person wants looking after or not. They presume that others do not have the ability to do things for themselves.

Victim – Victims take the “I’m not OK, You’re OK” position. They look for others to either “look after” them or pick on them.

So, which one are you? If you’re like the rest of us then you’re probably all of them! You are, however, likely to favour one of these Drama Triangle positions over the others.

All three of these roles are inauthentic – that is, they are based on the past ideas and beliefs that the individual has formed about themselves and others throughout childhood. The positions are likely to confirm script beliefs and are responding to past events rather than the here and now.

Let’s just take a minute to think about that for a while. If I’m treating someone like a Victim and I am Rescuing them, then that has probably more to do with my beliefs formed in my childhood than the needs of the person I am Rescuing. The here and now reality of the situation is ignored (discounted) and I just carry out those actions that have been programmed into me as a child. The great thing about that program is that we wrote it and we can change it. I think it is this program that gets revealed to clients I explain the Drama triangle to. On seeing the program they can decide whether it is useful anymore and how it needs to be altered. The process of psychotherapy then supports and facilitates the changes the client wants to make.

The diagram used to show the relationship between these positions is drawn like this:

The important thing to see here is those arrows going in both directions. When playing games an individual tends to move around the triangle taking all of the roles at different times.  We dance around the triangle with our opposite number taking on all of the roles.

Here’s an example of a conversation between two people that demonstrates the triangle nicely.

Jamie: Why are you late again? You’re always late for everything and I’m sick of it! (persecutor)

Lesley: I’m really sorry, I forgot to set my alarm. Please don’t be mad at me. (victim)

Jamie: Well you’re stupid and inconsiderate. I’ve no idea why I put up with you! (persecutor)

Lesley: It’s not as if you are perfect. Stop shouting at me now otherwise you will regret it! (persecutor)

Jamie: OK, OK. Calm down. I didn’t mean to upset you. (victim)

Lesley: Well you never help me with my lateness so what do you expect? (Persecutor)

Jamie: OK, so from now on I will set your alarm for you and make sure you get out of the house on time. (Rescuer)

Note how the positions change, and when one player moves position that invites movement of the other player.

When is a rescue a Rescue?

The convention is to capitalize the R when discussing the drama triangle type of Rescuing, Persecuting or Victim to distinguish it from the non-drama type. The difference is that when a game-playing Rescue takes place then the Rescuer is usually doing something that they do not really want to do but they think that they “ought” to. A Rescue also involves a discount of self or other (as all the positions in the triangle do). In the example above, Jamie is discounting the ability of Lesley, who is an adult, to set an alarm clock. Also, Jamie really does not want the added stress of making sure that Lesley is not late any more but feels obliged to “help” Lesley with this. The ideas that Jamie should do this will have been formed in childhood and are part of her script beliefs.

Why do we play on the Drama Triangle?

We dance round this triangle for the same reason that we play games; we want to get our needs met but we are often too scared to ask for what we want directly. Asking for what we want, being intimate with others, feels dangerous and there is the highest risk that we may be rejected so we take one step down and play games instead to attempt to manipulate others into giving us what we want without being explicit.

The cost of doing this can be high. Each position has its own payoff and these often reinforce the beliefs about self. For example, in the script above, Jamie may once again see that her needs are not important and that she has to look after others to be OK. This leaves her feeling angry and uncared for.

How do we step off the Drama Triangle?

The solution is simple. Step off the triangle by being intimate with those you talk to. This can be carried out simply by using Steiner’s “action-feeling” statements.
The first transaction from Jamie may then have looked like this:

Jamie “When you turn up late I feel angry and annoyed. In future I would like you to turn up on time or ring me to let me know you’ve been held up”.

This statement invites Lesley to think about her behaviour and how it’s had an impact on Jamie. It invites Lesley to stay in Adult ego state and be empathic to Jamie’s needs.

What’s the next step?

I think the next step is to become aware of the ways in which you are dancing on the drama triangle. Notice which positions you take more often. Do you take different positions with different people? How does your drama triangle position connect with your experiences in childhood? When you have gathered this information you can decide to do things differently. Whenever we do things differently there is likely to be feelings that come up for us so seek out a close friend or family member you can talk this through with or work with a therapist to help you make the changes you want.

What do you think about the drama triangle? Do you have great strategies to get yourself off the triangle into closer connection? Please comment on your Drama Triangle experiences using the space below.

I have written an article introducing passivity before that may well be worth reading as a prelude to this post. If you want to read that you can click here to be taken to it. What you read here is my interpretation of the Schiffs paper “Passivity” (TAJ 1:1 1971). The Schiffs did some ground breaking work on passivity and TA therapists have been using it and interpreting it ever since.

I want to write about passivity because I can see it in so many clients’ lives. I can also see it clearly in my own. By confronting passive behavior we can change, grow and achieve our goals. It’s often passivity that holds us back from getting what we want.

Passive Behaviours

The Schiffs identified four behaviours that were particularly passive. This is useful to us because when we can see that we are behaving in a similar way we can wake ourselves up, shake ourselves down and choose to behave differently.

Passive behaviour 1 – Doing Nothing

You can’t get much more passive than doing nothing eh?! Well as the Schiff’s see it there are two ways in which you can do nothing. The first way is to have a problem and then to passively not respond to that problem. Imagine a rabbit in the headlights sort of scenario. Quite often when people are in this place they say “I can’t think” or “I’m confused” – a survival response clicks in.
If you are doing nothing in this way it is likely that you will feel uncomfortable and anyone who attempts to help you with this is likely to get dragged in and end up doing nothing too.

The second way of doing nothing is not passive behavior. You can decide to do nothing. This is from an Adult place and there is an active decision to do nothing. In this scenario you will probably not feel uncomfortable because you have taken action. The action you have taken is to decide to do nothing!

Passive behaviour 2 – Over Adaptation

Over adaptation is when you do not work out what your goal is when attempting to solve a problem but instead you try to achieve what you believe is somebody else’s goal.

Here is an example. Frankie and Benny are deciding what to see at the cinema.

Problem: Which film to go and see.

Frankie’s response: “I’m not at all bothered – I guess you would like to see the Cowboy film so let’s go see that”

Benny’s response: “Yep – I would like to see that film so if you are happy let’s do that.”

Only Frankie hates cowboy films and spends the next hour and a half feeling very annoyed that he has to sit through one.

Frankie’s over adaptation was very hard to detect because he made no indication of what he wanted to do. As a result he had to suffer a film he knew he would dislike. If he had been more active in the decision about what film they both saw and discussed it he would have found out that Benny also loves Science Fiction and would have been happy to see the new Star wars movie that Frankie really wanted to see.

Passive behaviour 3 – Agitation

When we feel agitated we do things that are pointless and have nothing to do with the goal we are trying to achieve. We usually feel uncomfortable and confused.

We behave this way because we are defending the symbiosis we have formed with another against a threat (if you are unsure of what symbiosis is read my first post here). We know we could solve our problem by taking action but we just don’t feel adequate enough to grab the bull by the horns and do it.

What’s also can be present is the belief that what we are doing is actually achieving something. This fits in with the idea of grandiosity discussed in the last article.

The agitated person needs another individual to step in and give clear instructions as to what to do. This restores them to a overadapted place which is far less serious. The difficulty with agitation is that if it is not dealt with it can esculate into the next stage of passive behaviour: violence.

Passive behaviour 4 – Violence or Incapacitation

When I read this stage I couldn’t get my head round how violence was passive behaviour – surely it’s the ultimate in doing something right? Wrong, when we become violent we actually change nothing. It is the release of energy built up from passivity.

Violence does not require thinking and no responsibility is taken for it. Just think of the way people describe their violence after the event;

“He made me so mad I couldn’t help myself hitting him”
“I punched the wall because I was so frustrated”

Quite often after the violence, once all of the energy has been released and they have calmed down, the person is quite able to have a rational conversation about what happened.

Violence is a grandiose act and really buys into the idea that “I can’t stand it any more” – a great example of a passive statement.

How can knowing all of this help me?

I think the first benefit of knowing this information is being able to identify passive behavior in yourself. If you can identify that you are acting passively then you can decide (make an active decision) whether you want to continue doing this or act differently.

In order to do this you may find it useful to track your feelings about a situation. Your feelings hold the key to what is going on. It may go something like this:

I feel ill at ease about something that is going on in my life.

I sit for a minute or two and just track my feelings. What am I feeling? Where am I feeling it (in my body)? Is this a common feeling that reminds me of something from my past?

If the feeling is agitation then does this have something to do with inaction? Am I feeling very angry? Do I feel like I want to hit something (or someone)? Do I feel like I’m completely stuck and can do nothing?

If the angry feelings are there then the first step is to do something to expend that energy somewhere else and prevent an explosion. You might do this by going for a walk, taking yourself to the cinema, listening to calming music or whatever else you know will calm you down. The same can be said about agitation, which is you being on the verge of violence or incapacitation.

Once you have done this and your brain is more able to think logically about your situation. See if you can identify one single thing that you can do that will help your situation. This will move you away from passivity to action and may help shift the block that you feel. If you can’t even do this then it may be that you need help and advice from someone trained in this area. A therapist or counsellor should be able to help you look at your passive behaviours and facilitate decision making.

Recognise any of the passive behaviours mentioned?

How has this post impacted on you?  Do you see which passive behaviours you mostly carry out?  Have you got some great ideas for moving yourself out of passivity?  Please leave your comments about passive behaviours below.

“Beyond right thinking and wrong think there is a field, I’ll meet you there”

Rumi

If we can see through all the crap that we go through with our partners and see the person opposite then this is a strong foundation to build connection from.

If you want to read more about Hedy and Yumi then I recommend you check out their website which you can find here.

Please watch the video and tell me what you feel about it in the comments section below – I would love to have your ideas and get a discussion about what makes relationships work.

Passivity is when we put something off or don’t do it at all. It is an interesting and important subject when we are attempting to work out what makes humans tick.

I deal with clients displaying passive behavior pretty much every session I deliver therapy. Sometimes this may be a minor part of the problem, other times it can be the root of the issue. Passivity stops us growing, realizing our potential, confronting our fears and doing what we really want to do.

In this blog post I want to take passivity apart. I want to give you the theory (mostly taken from Aarron and Jacqui Schiffs paper “Passivity”, Jan 1971) and see how we can translate this to practical, doable steps for action. I want to do this because I am convinced that if we can confront and overcome our passive behavior then we can move towards happier, less frustrated, more fulfilled lives.

Understanding where passivity comes from.

The first stage of passivity is to understand symbiosis and in order to understand symbiosis you have to understand the ego state model that we use in transactional analysis. Fortunately I have already written a post on egostates that you can read here so check that out before reading further if you are not up on your “Parent, Adult and Childs”.

In symbiosis, the two people involved behave as if they are only one person from an egostate perspective. One individual will have an active Parent and Adult and the other will have an active Child. We diagram it like this;

Symbiosis is normal between mother and infant, and is important. The mother needs to be aware of the child’s needs and the child needs to know that the mother is there and will be cared for as he is completely dependent on the mother.

This way of relating is less effective when it is between you and your partner, or you and your boss once you are a fully functioning adult though yet it is surprisingly common and familiar to us all. A great example of it is those couples we all know who finish each other’s sentences or who carry out very clear roles within the relationship.

A useful example

Let me introduce you to Gladys and Jim. Gladys and Jim are a (fictious) married couple who have been together for years and slip into symbiosis at a drop of a hat.

Gladys carries out the practical duties to keep the house running, like cooking and cleaning and buying the groceries and Jim does almost nothing. Both Gladys and Jim enter into this arrangement comfortably and when it is questioned give “good reasons” for why their relationship is run like this.
Gladys would say “he’s useless, if I asked him to cook he would burn the kitchen down” and Jim would say “when I do get the shopping I buy the wrong thing so it’s best to let Gladys get on with it”.

Gladys and Jim also illustrate another two things that are needed in order to allow passivity; discounting and grandiosity.

Discounting

The Schiffs (1971) defined discounting as:

“the person who discounts believes, or acts as though he believes, that his feelings about what someone else has said, done or felt are more significant that what that person actually said, did or felt. He does not use information relevant to the situation.”

Let’s use our couple mentioned above to explain this in simple terms.

Gladys discounts Jim’s ability to cook even though when Gladys goes to look after her elderly mother for a week, Jim is perfectly able to prepare himself decent meals without causing house fires.

Jim discounts his ability to walk around the supermarket and read a simple list to ensure he does not buy the wrong thing. His belief that he cannot do this is bigger than the here and now reality that he is perfectly capable.

There are four ways in which we can discount:

1. Discount the problem – I find a rash on my arm, and ignore it.
2. Discount the significance of the problem – I find a rash on my arm, take a look and think “it’s nothing, it will go soon”.
3. Discount the solvability of the problem – I find a rash on my arm and feel concerned but do nothing as “there is no medicine that will cure that”.
4. Discount the person – I find a rash on my arm and feel concerned but do nothing because “no one will take any notice even if I did go to the doctors, there’s nothing I can do.”

Grandiosity

Grandiosity is the act of purposefully exaggerating about self or others or the environment in order to maintain the passivity. When we use grandiosity we take no responsibility for the decisions involved in a situation and we make the situation responsible for the behavior.

Grandiose language is easy to spot. Words like “always” and “never” can be heard and phrases like “I can’t stand it” “I was scared to death” or “I hit him because I was so furious”.

Jim may avoid going to the supermarket because “it is miles away” and Gladys may cook every night because if she doesn’t Jim will “starve to death”.

Why do we behave in this manner?

So why do we use discounting and grandiosity? The Schiffs say that we use discounting and grandiosity to remain in the passive symbiotic relationship with the other and not threaten the dependency contract. Jim and Gladys both have clear roles and know what they are supposed to do and where they stand. If Jim suddenly took over the cooking then this would threaten the Adult and Child ego states of Gladys and she would become agitated and uncomfortable. Equally, if Gladys expected Jim to go to the supermarket and buy the correct items this may cause him agitation or even anger as his dormant Adult and Parent ego states would be called into action.

Why is symbiosis bad?

The simple answer is that it is not always bad and can be an effective way for two people to function at times. The danger lies when we begin to discount our ability to change things that we don’t like and that are holding us back. It is this side of passivity that I see in my work with clients.

I see clients discount their ability to change their lives on a number of fronts. They discount the ability to change themselves, change their situation or can be grandiose about the response they will get if they change the situation.

5 suggestions for reducing your passivity

• Notice what’s going on – your clues are discounting and grandiosity. Are you using words like “always”, “never” “I/you can’t bear it” “I can’t cope”.

• Put things in perspective – you may feel nervous about doing things differently but what is really the worst that could happen? Are you being grandiose about the consequences of change?

• Look at your history – Are you used to thinking that you can’t do things or can’t change? You may have learnt this as a child and are carrying it into your adulthood. As a child it is tricky to change things because you do not have much power. The power lies with your parents. As an adult you have power. You can change your life and you are not reliant on anyone else to stay alive.

• Appreciate other adults will be OK – The adults in your life are just that, adults. Sometimes we have to make decisions that impact on others and that they won’t like but this choice is available to all adults and adults are self sufficient and can look after themselves.

• Work with a therapist – Therapists, (especially Transactional Analysists) are trained to spot discounting and grandiosity and will see symbiotic relationships you have formed with others. When this information is brought into your awareness you can choose what to do with it.

Tell me about your experiences with passivity

We all have passivity in our lives, it’s the amount and severity of the passivity we experience that can make a difference to how happy we are and how autonomous we feel.  Please comment on the post below, how does passivity affect you in your life?  Have you any good suggestions to help others with their passivity?

Why would you possibly need to do this? They are stood right in front of you ready to hear your wise ruminations aren’t they? Well, yes, and no! Has your partner ever launched into a frustration with you when you are just not in the mood? I know mine has! What I used to do is either half listen (equivalent of pouring petrol on an open fire) or argue back pretty quickly – kaboom!

The first option just reinforced the story my partner made up about me not listening and paying attention to her properly, and that made sense to me because I sometimes would not be fully focused on what she had to say if I was not in the mood to listen. The second option took us to disconnection and upset.

In the Imago process if you have something to say then you check that your partner is available and willing to listen to you. Really listen. Hopefully, because they will be used to the process and feel safe, they will be ok to hear what’s on your mind, be it good or bad. If they are not in the right place they can let you know and negotiate a time when they are in the right place to hear you. The aim is to hear the frustration as soon as possible, so if the frustration cannot be heard straight away we are ideally talking hours rather than reaching for your diary!

The frustration request should be clear and have no criticism attached to it, such as;

“I have a frustration I want to talk about with you, are you available to listen?”

At first this process can feel a bit scary as it’s so different to what you have probably done before.  As you get used to doing this as a couple then it’s likely to lead to a much better relationship as you get to trust that you will be heard and you can temporarily “shelve” your concern.

If you want to read more about Imago Relationship Therapy my advice is to read Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix, the founder of the Imago system.

In the Imago dialogue process both partners take on a set role then swap around. This allows both partners to be the sender and the receiver. It also creates a safe way of talking to each other and allows both partners to feel fully listened to and validated by their partner. This is much more likely to result in a successful outcome and deepen the connection between the couple.

The sender is the person who is doing the talking. If you are sending then you get to express yourself to your partner and have your thoughts and feelings mirrored back to you. Compare that with how couples usually communicate with each other;

The “lets have an argument” way

Pete “I hate it when you come home late from work and don’t let me know you are going to be late”

Jane: “Well you came home late from work last Tuesday and I didn’t pick you up on it, why are you always nagging me?”

Pete: “That’s just typical of you – last Tuesday was a one off, you’re always late and you wonder why I nag?”

You can see that just three transactions into the conversation things have spiraled out of control and many of Gottman’s four horsemen of divorce have reared their ugly heads.

The Imago Way

In imago the sender has responsibility to do things differently and the receiver is not going to answer back, just mirror, validate and empathise. In the early stages the conversation may look like this;

Pete: “I have something I want to talk to you about, are you available to listen to me?”

Jane: “Sure, what’s up Pete?”

Pete: “I’m feeling frustrated about you coming home from work late and I want to work it through with you”

Jane “So I hear you say you feel frustrated about me coming home from work late and you want to work it through with me, did I get you?”

Pete: “Yeah, you heard me”

Jane: “Is there more about that?”

Pete: “yeah, when you turn up late from work I feel angry and the story I make up is that you have forgotten about me”

Jane: “So, when I turn up late from work you feel angry and the story you make up is that I have forgotten about you, did I get you?”

Pete: ” Yeah, you got me”

Jane: “Is there more?”

Can you see how the whole dynamic of the conversation is different? Pete is sending information in a safe way and taking responsibility for what he sends. He talks about his feelings and does not accuse or criticize Jane. He stays away from the four horsemen and has a soft start up – another key way of keeping the conversation safe for both parties. Jane listens and attunes to Pete and mirrors carefully to demonstrate that she is listening and she is understanding Pete. With each “is there more?” the dialogue deepens and the real issues behind Pete’s feelings will be revealed. This increases the chances of Jane wanting to change her behaviour because she really “gets” what is going on for Pete and, as she loves him, wants to reduce the pain he feels about this issue.

Won’t it take hours to discuss anything?

You may think that this is a slow way to communicate with each other but I beg to differ. If you can discuss issues in this safe way then they can be resolved cleanly and both partners can feel listened to and cared for. Compare that to the first conversation where the transactions are swapped rapidly. When you add in the two days of sulking/arguing/unhappiness that follow without anything being resolved then you can see it is a very slow way to solve problems.

It’s the sender’s job to keep it about them, send in small enough chunks to be mirrored and check that the mirror is correct. If it’s not, the mirror can be corrected with care for the receiver, e.g. “You almost got that, let me send it again more clearly…” It’s also the sender’s job to stay on topic and avoid bringing other issues in – otherwise the dialogue can lose focus and could go on forever.

Want to read more about Imago Relationship Therapy?  Read Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix.  If you are interested in working with me, ring 07966 390857 to check availability or use my contact form to get in touch.

There are so many situations where there is no “right”. There are just two views, two opinions. No one can be more right than the other. When you force your opinion on your partner then you may win the argument but you lose something far more precious. It is likely that your partner will feel hurt, angry or unseen by you. Over time these feelings erode the bond between you and your partner and the relationship starts to get into difficulty.

So what’s the answer? Well I guess it goes back to that saying “God gave us two ears and one mouth”. Listen to your partner. Hear what he or she says to you. We all make up stories in our heads about what happened and your partner’s story is just as valid as yours.

You can learn this in Couples Counselling

Listening is a pretty big feature in the couples counselling practice I use in Manchester. Imago Relationship Therapy emphsises one speaker, called the “sender” and one listener, called the “receiver”. By learning how to talk through problems in this way both parties get a real understanding of where their partner is coming from. I’ve got to say I love it!! I love watching couples start to understand each other and hear each other for the first time. I love seeing the partner who usually has to back down slowly emerge from that cave they have been hiding in for protection and start to express their thoughts and feelings as they start to feel safe in the relationship. I love watching the partner who needed to be right move away from that position and start to connect with the person in front of them in a different way. When we feel love and empathy for our partner that need to be right tends to dissolve into the ether.

So next time you’re in a big debate about whether Auntie Mabel came last Wednesday or last Thursday, or who actually bought the Depeche Mode CD that you both have on your MP3 player anyway, just think – “does it really matter?” Quit bickering and give your partner a hug instead!

Image: Jeroen van Oostrom / FreeDigitalPhotos.net