Relationship advice – what to expect from relationship counselling

Many people have never had couples therapy before and are unsure of what to expect from the experience. In this post I hope to fill in some of the blanks and take away some of the fear of the process. I have to emphasise that I can only write about how I conduct marriage guidance or relationship counselling at my practice in Chorlton, Manchester. Other therapists may work differently but there will probably be similar principles in place.

The first session of therapy tends to be different from any of the others. This is because we have never met each other before and the issues bringing the couple to therapy will probably not have been discussed in any detail. It’s also because the structure of the therapy sessions has not been outlined and it’s important that this happens so the clients feel safe, secure and in good hands.

When a couple arrives for their first session I will greet them and we will discuss what brings them to couple counselling. This is an opportunity for me to find out what the presenting issue is and decide whether I can help. If I can’t I would refer the couple on to therapists or organisations that would be able to meet their needs better. Usually though this is not a problem and I would invite the couple to ask me any questions they have about me, my practice and any other issues that they would like to discuss.

If we are all happy to work with each other then the session would move on to the business contract. TA therapists love contracts! (I always have flashbacks of Monica from the American sitcom “Friends” saying “rules control the fun” at this point!). We use business contracts to make clear the practical aspects of the therapeutic relationship such as when the sessions will take place, how everyone agrees to behave, confidentiality, attendance and punctuality and the fee charged for each session. Does everyone agree to the conditions in the contract? If not, then I would not be able to work with that couple as the rules are there to ensure the process stays safe for everyone. Again though, I have never had anyone refuse the contract so we move to the next stage.

Things settle down a bit now. Over the next few sessions I will explore the issues that have brought the couple into therapy in more detail with both partners. Relationship counselling is more directive than individual therapy so I am more likely to guide each partner in the process. One of the reasons for this is to prevent any of the old, negative patterns of behaviour that may take place at home for the couple from happening in the therapy room. Both partners need to feel safe to explore the issues that bring them into therapy without being attacked verbally, bullied or ignored. Learning emotional literacy is an important skill to pick up during this phase so I will teach that explicitly and expect it to be practised at home (yes – you do get homework!). I will be inquiring into both partner’s background’s too. How each partner learnt to relate to others in the past is important and may lead to clues to improving the relationship under threat now.

Once we are all sure of what the issues are and what we want to achieve then the couple would decide on a therapeutic contract. This states the goal of the therapy and is agreed by all parties. These contracts are useful because they bring real focus to the work that takes place both within and outside of the therapy room. It also emphasises the joint responsibility shared by both partners in the couple and the therapist. Unfortunately I don’t have the power to “cure”, and couples who feel a sense of ownership of their problems and the power to change things have the most successful outcomes. Contracts would usually be made around one or more of the following issues:

• How to deal with conflict that takes place within the relationship.
• How to learn to talk to each other again so both partners feel listened to.
• How to connect with each other again, to feel loved and cared for by the other and to get needs met.

For the next sessions it’s a case of working through the plan decided on by the couple and the therapist and I would sincerely expect to see the relationship starting to change, improve and grow. How long this takes is impossible to say. It depends upon the couple, the issues and a myriad of other factors that may be out of awareness. If things are not improving then this would have to be discussed too. Is the contract not appropriate or are other things going on in the relationship that have not been spoken about?

I will be teaching you Imago couples therapy techniques during many stages of your therapy.  This has a proven track record for success with couples and will address all of the issues outlined in the bullet points in the paragraph above.

The last stage of the process is termination of therapy. By this stage both partners feel much happier with the relationship and are satisfied that the contract has been achieved. Both partners also have learnt strategies to deal with issues effectively should conflict arise again. Us therapists really do work hard to put ourselves out of business!

In a blog article it’s only ever going to be possible to give a general outline to a process that is as individual as each couple that comes through the therapy room door. I hope this post has shed some light on what happens when a couple goes into relationship counselling. If there are any questions that you have about the process please get in touch by using my contact form or phoning me on 07966 390857. Thanks to the wonderfulness of my iPhone, I’m pretty quick at answering both email enquiries and phone/text ones too.